1 man, 2 cultures (reflections of trip to Shanghai)
(disclaimer: if I sound racist in this posting, please forgive me...)
Just got back from a business trip to Shanghai. We had a really good time in Shanghai - although it was super busy, we did get to go out and see parts of the great city. It was quite different, in almost every way: size, people, and the culture.
As soon as I stepped off the plane. I can feel the humidity, along with it, a sense of being 'home'. I haven't felt humidity in a while - although its not very pleasant, but it felt like home. Its like I was in a time warp, travelling back to the time when I'd drop off my backpacks as soon as I got home from school, heading straight to the playground to play baseball, and getting in trouble when my parents get home because I didn't do my homework. Boy it was a great feeling.
After spending 10 days there, I felt that I could blend in, disappear, get lost in the great city of Shanghai. I felt at home, I felt comfortable. I spend most of my time explaining the chinese culture to my co-workers. I really felt that I was proud to be Chinese.
But I am not. I had spent most of my life here in the United States, and I sometimes think and act like an American. I can't speak chinese that well, and I can't write, and worst part is that I can't type in chinese. So in the end, who am I?
I've been struggling with this for a while now. Am I "Chinese American"? What exactly is that? I don't reaally think "chinese american" is a culture - one is either more "Chinese" or more "American", depending on which culture you feel more comfortable in. For me, I can function well in either cultures, but I don't feel like I fit in. Thus, I feel lost. Am I Chinese or American?
My life is here in America. My son is growing up here, my wife was born here in the US. I went to highschool and college here in the States. I can speak almost perfect English, and have a great time when I go out with my co-workers after work. I am a big fan of American football, and I am generally not interested in what happens in other countries other than the US. I celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas.
But am I "American"? Far from it. My wife thinks that I am pretty "fobby". (Fresh Off the Boat) About 95% of my friends are Asians, and I pretty much only hang out with them. I eat a lot more Chinese food than most of my friends can handle, and I watch alot of chinese movies. I don't feel comfortable at a party where everyone is "American", unless they have some Asian blood in them.
On the flip side, even though I felt comfortable and feel like I can blend in in China, I don't think they see me as one of them. For one, I dress differently, and I only have a rudimentary knowledge of the language. I can get by, but I am not sure if I fit in. My ideals are very different. I think that people should be free to do what they do and not be bound by the society. I believe in creating opportunities for myself. I feel that people should not feel obligated to stay in relationships that they don't really want to be in. Lastly, I can barely read, not past a 5th grade level, and I can't write and I type really slowly in chinese. I don't really remember or celebrate Chinese holidays (other than chinese new years).
So, this is probably why I feel so weird these days. Who am I? What culture do I belong to? What is my identity? Part of it is that I feel scared, alone. Sometimes I feel that Liz doesn't understand this inner struggle that I have. Sometimes I resent my parents for bring me to the US when I was 12, and now I don't have a culture that I can identify with. I am somewhere in limbo, drifting from side to side, depending on where I am or who I am talking to. I think if I were to spend a lot of time in either place, I would miss the other.
Through all the books that I read from my classes in Asian American studies, I don't think any of the authors have an answer. Although, one thing is for sure - I am beginning to see the struggles that they have. I used to brush them off as idiots that just don't know who they are. Now I am one of those idiots....
Worst part is, I think I will forget about all this next week. I will go back to my daily routine, live my American way of life, go about with church, and hang out with all my Asian American friends here. That is why I am writing this down this time.
Who am I? Please help.
thanks
john
6 comments:
wow john... i have to admit, i stopped checking your blog because it was not a whole lot about what actually goes on in your head. not you! i only checked because liz mentioned that you posted about being asian american. this is different side of you.... hrmm....
It sounds like you are conflicted. Although may you feel torn, you should embrace the 2 cultures that you have; you don't necessarily need to identify with one or the other. You are fortunate to live in a society that embraces ALL cultures and doesn't look down on people who are "different". We don't live in a melting pot but a salad bowl where people from different countries, ethnicities, religions/beliefs, can all co-exist here in the United States. Who is really American? The only group you can really say that to are the Indians who lived in this land before it was invaded. Further, you can communicate, in some way, with people in China, Taiwan and the United States. Many people can not do that but because your parents brought you to the US at 12, you are able to speak, read and write in both Chinese and English. Why do you need to identify with just one culture?
Eventhough Liz grew up in the United States and may see you as "fobby" at times, she is still Chinese-American (though more American than Chinese). Maybe instead of feeling alone and scared, you should talk to her about your feelings and not assume she wouldn't understand. Did you talk to her about the "inner struggle" that you have? It doesn't sound like she knows. She is not only your WIFE, but a friend!! If you can't talk to her about your feelings/stuggles, why did you marry her? It seems like you are very honest and open on your blog but are you open and honest with your wife?!?
Why is it so important to have a culture to identify yourself with?
How about taking the bits (subcultures) you like and creating your own? I like this solution because every culture has its ugly aspects....
So you're a American football fan who likes Chinese food and Britney Spears. :)
Suck it up..be a man of your own heart.
Just kidding. :)
But in reality, don't dwell on the small discomforts when God's blessings abound in our lives. That's what I force myself to do after I overindulge feeling sorry for myself.
By the way, does Liz have any idea you have this internal struggle going on? If she doesn't, or if you never talked to her about it, how do you expect her to understand? She can't read your mind you know...and neither can we until you blog'd. :)
Wow, good thing you're just one race. Not, say Chinese/Mexican or Chinese/Mexican/Indian ^_^. When I hear people "feeling home" with a country just becuase they're the race but haven't really lived there (okay I'm talking about my BIL), I tend to roll my eyes (inwardly). However, you actually have lived in two places. Well I've lived in Indiana and California - two very distinct cultures on there own. I love the Midwestern culture as well as the California lifestyle. So I treasure both in my heart. But I also like French decor and Japanese food -- so who am I? ^_^ Okay, I hope my teasing isn't upseting you. I really do see what you mean. All my life I've been asked if I identify myself as Mexican or Chinese. Well would any of you identify me as Chinese? I think I look too Latina. But I couldn't utter a sentence in Spanish if I were forced to either. "I am who I am". I think Popeye said that. Maybe you'd feel better if someone created a category name for you? My sister and I jokingly call ourselves Chinacans. ^_^ Don't feel bad. You are both. Maybe one day you'll move to France and all of a sudden feel "French". And then the crisis there could be quite huge...and if that's the case... then maybe it's best you stay where you are and not go anywhere. :D
Personally, I think it's unhealthy to associate oneself as belonging to a country, culture, race, whatever. We all are human spirits enveloped in bodies of flesh. One day we'll go off to our heavenly home where there will be no race or different cultures. You'll probably forget then that Catherine was Korean, Vijay Indian, and Sara a mishmash of things. In the end, we're all human beings who've roamed the earth.
Well said Regina.
I love the China-Can reference.
And John....poor John....nobody can tell you who you are. Is it that important to fit in? After all...do you want to be one of 1 billion (in China) or one of 300 million (in U.S.) or....just 1 of 3 (the Chen clan?)
:)
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